


a thousand and eight hundred days later

by 10outof10



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Past Relationship(s), Sequel, mightaddothersvtcharacterslater, platonic!jicheol, repost, smoking!jihoon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-07-27 09:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20043601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10outof10/pseuds/10outof10
Summary: It's been five years, Jihoon still tastes the danger he felt the night his drug went away with every hit of his new addiction from a past habit of a person he considered dangerous.





	1. prologue: daylight

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! it's been so long since i posted a story(and actually wrote something), i have deleted 'i love you so bad' and 'daylight' due to fear of it being posted elsewhere (ya girl got into a little mishap and almost got scammed) i'm not gonna mention any company names but they're pretty well known for ripping off starting authors, and good thing i discovered that before i signed anything. 
> 
> this first chapter will be daylight, soonyoung's point of view, as a prologue. let me know if you all want me to post jihoon's pov (ilysb), and i will consider it.

**daylight**

* * *

> _Jihoon is the only one making him happy, and he thinks he deserves this much._

I never really liked smoking, but it paved a way for me to gradually self destruct. Because unlike harming, it doesn’t leave a trail of red marks that reads_ I’m miserable_, or charred burns that screams_ I want to die_. I don’t want them to know that. I don’t want him to know that. The smoke makes me feel full, it fills the emptiness in my chest that has been longing for something I can’t point out for too long. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this, but I do know it’s enough for me to say that my life probably reduced in half. And maybe that’s what I want. The lit cigarette between my lips made me feel like a bomb waiting for the time I’d explode. I just wish people would take notice and leave me already before they explode with me.

Then there’s Jihoon. He’s black sweaters, alternative music, sweet nothings, and warm embrace.

In trust falls, you do trust that the person will catch you, you just don’t trust if they could handle you. And that’s how I am with Jihoon. He’s been making it seem like he could handle me but, I don’t think he can, but here I am falling. so. fucking. hard.

Jihoon took my hand with both of his and turned it around, I looked at him with the same blank expression. His right hand slowly lifted the cotton sleeve that shielded my wrist. _Honey, I don’t keep my masterpiece there._ He saw nothing but visible blue veins where my toxic blood flows, his confused eyes lifted up towards me— reading me. His warm hand on my cold skin made me melt like ice on a hot day, I’m weak. “How..”

“You just have to find ways to ruin your body without anyone noticing.’ _So I smoke, I drink, I drive on a hazy mind and intoxicated heart. Save me._ But I don’t say that, never. “Haha.. You’re so cute, Hoon.” I reached out my free hand to ruffle his soft fluffy hair, he gave me that same scrunched annoyed face he always does when I do this to him. I love being with him, Jihoon reminds me of Saturday sunrise, on top of the roof waiting for the sun to peak out. He is the light at the end of the never ending tunnel that I keep chasing. My hand on his head made me realize just how far he is and I’m losing my energy to keep running._ Hoon, please._

* * *

He doesn't like bitter coffee. Jihoon makes sure he puts two creamers in his drink or else he frowns when he takes a sip on the warm overly sweet brown liquid. He also seems to put sixty five percent hot coffee and thirty five percent cold water in it. I give him a disgusted face all the time when he does that, I never understand why he's like that but I find myself doing his habits after a while. I learned to love sweet and warm, non tongue burning coffees. Jihoon makes me love things I don't usually like, I just love Jihoon's company. He keeps me safe in this messy world I try to live in.

Are you putting another bag of creamer in my coffee again?” Jihoon glared at me, his soft eyes turning into straight dark lines as his forehead bundles into millions of folds, I chuckled. I like it when he gives me attitude, like I’d get scared of him. He’s too precious for this world. He quietly stirred the cup of warm coffee with a quiet sigh.

It’s almost summer, meaning piled home works, requirements and final exams. I wanted to go for another drive out but the other wanted to stay in his room and study. Saying I’ve been taking him out every night for a secret drive to the edge of the city, “My grades are going bad.” he said, making it seem like I’m a bad influence. Well maybe, I am. I knew I’ve tainted him from the moment I said Hello the first time we met each other. And I guess, he knows this, I’m not good for him but he still chose to stay. Why do you stay?

He throws me his notes and tells me to study. “You can’t possibly get anywhere when you don’t finish school, Soonyoung. It’s hard to survive in this world.” he says, turning his back at me to finish a paperwork that’s due the day after tomorrow.

_It’s always been hard to survive in my world, Jihoon._ But, again, I don’t tell him that.

Every damn waking day I had has always been dedicated to trying to survive. Well, more like to go and sleep at school since I don’t sleep. I can’t sleep. Even when I’m tired. My father wasn’t such a good role model. Bringing home random girls to blow off steam with every single night, and it’s disgusting hearing them every night. That’s why I drive out during late hours to hopefully get somewhere in my world of nowhere.

It just so happened that maybe if Jihoon accompanied me, even for a night. I’d be somewhere. Somewhere far from the loud noises in my head. Somewhere far from the mess I never asked to live in. I want to run away, I want Jihoon to be with me in my venture. But I know he can’t be. This man I love is meant for something much bigger and greater than what I could offer him. I just want one morning where I could see the sunrise with him, but I can’t have him in daylight.

> _Daylight would reveal my darkest hollows. My emptiness that has been hidden in the corners of my temple. Stacked up boxes of disappointment and anger in the houses I render. I’m not ready to let him see me so vulnerable under the light of day._

I stare at his back. I just damn wish he’d stop for a second and look at me. How much of a mess I am, wondering why he’s still staying, asking myself what I’ve done to deserve him, telling myself he doesn’t deserve to see me self destruct. He won’t be able to take it well. And I know I won’t be able to take it as well, him finding out I’m slowly dying.

“Hoon. I need to leave.” I stare at the clock, the sun will rise soon. I need to leave. He looks up at me from his seat, his face reads concern. I gave him a smile as I lean down to kiss his forehead, at least this I think I deserve.

I left through his window and drove to where I could hide away my shadow.

* * *

Jihoon always stares at me with burrowing eyes. Digging up my exterior as some kind of archaeological site, trying to find an artifact hidden underneath my dirt. As if he wants something from me, and I know what it is. _I’m sorry Hoon, I can never let you go through it._

“So are you gonna kiss me or...”

The room had lit up in my eyes, Jihoon welcomed my lips like I haven’t been smoking a few seconds ago. He hated when I smoke, he hated it when he could taste my poison, but tonight is different. _Does he know?_

My mind went blank, I could feel my tears screaming to be let out. Should this be the last one before I go, at least I think I deserve this much. _Can I at least ask for too much from you, Hoon? For the very first and last time. I’m sorry._

I wanted to stay in his embrace, feel him more than I should. If this was the last time I were to feel him, his warmth, his presence, I want to be selfish— maybe ask for more. Much more than I deserve. Would that make me a jerk?

The top of his head smells like apples, the one you get at a local grocery store that his mother usually gets just because she liked the red cap of the oddly shaped bottle. His kisses taste like his overly sweet coffee, he must have drank more than he actually should tonight.

* * *

>   
_How many times do I have to die to muster up the desperation to admit that i need you?_

I stare at the long road ahead of me, wishing that this one never ends. The long road with just me and him, hands together, but I know that this has an end, everything has an end. I’ve been asking for too much without realizing that I do.

_Will you ever forgive me, Jihoon?_

  
“Stop staring at me like that. You have me all night to devour” _I will give you all my night, save me._ “I’m all yours Jihoon.”_ And forever will be yours. Remember that._

His stare feels like a dull knife trying to cut open my flesh, I could feel the tension and the pressure of his every attempt to slice inside, however, it was not working at all.

_Stop staring, Hoon. Stop._

He’s been too quiet. More quiet than usual. The silence is suffocating, silence has always been suffocating. Words in my throat, stuck in between my lungs and tongue, it’s violent and untamed. I need to let him know I need him, I need him to talk to me. _Speak to me, quiet my words down with yours, calm the eerie silence in my body, please._

“Why are you so quiet?” I squeezed his hand in time with a light chuckle, masking the desperation of the tone I always try to hide from him. I never wanted to hint to him that I crave for him every single minute. I don’t want him to think I won’t survive without him, even if I really won’t. Giving him that sense of need would only make him hope he could save me, the burden of me slowly slipping away from his grip, and every slight move I make feels like another inch I sink deeper in hell. I can’t let him feel that. He’s okay right now, and I’d want him to continue feeling that way with me while I’m here.

> _I don’t want you to suffer, I’ll take in every pain for you. But I know that that’s impossible, because one way or another, I’d continue hurting you without my intention._

“I like this song. It reminds me of you.” I stare at the radio, reaching out to turn up the volume a little higher, the lyrics taking the words out of my mouth for me, telling Jihoon I love him so bad, it hurts so good. With every hit of the bass and the pool of sweet words, it gradually drowns out the thoughts going on in my head, trying to figure out how this night will unfold; this band is nice, I always hear Jihoon play them in his room. I wonder if I’ll ruin this for him too. I hope not.

* * *

I didn’t know where to take him this time. I wanted to go in circles, hoping this night wouldn’t end. Hoping time would stop for both of us. I don’t wanna leave him, never. Somehow, I took him to my late mother’s favorite beach. Where she used to take me when I was young, tell me stories as we listen to the ocean sing us lullabies. I stayed silent as I let the ocean sing for me and Jihoon, it was always the same melody whenever I came here.

Tonight, the ocean was playing us a different song, only I could hear. Jihoon wouldn’t know, he’s never been here. He doesn’t know how the ocean sings normally for me, now the ocean seems like it’s singing for him. For Jihoon. And maybe when I’m gone, this will be the same song Jihoon will be hearing and I’m honored to have heard it with him. Beside him, holding him in my arms.

I never truly called Jihoon ‘mine’, he’s someone I never deserved, but I wanted to make him happy. And maybe, I wanted to be happy as well. And I was, truly geniunely happy with him. Should this be the last night, I don’t think it’s a happy one. But I am. And I hope he is too.

“Why did you take me here?”

I stare at the sky glistening over the sea, should this be the time I tell him? I could feel like look up at me, and the violent words just diminished. _I’m hurting, save me Hoon. Save me._ I was longing for him, I am longing for him. I haven’t been gone but I already miss him. I don’t wanna let go, but I don’t know if I deserve to hold on._ You don’t deserve to suffer for me, Hoon._

“Jihoon. I’m going away...”

And there it was. The words stuck in my throat for I don’t know how long. Words I tried hiding under my smile, my laughter, my every mask that no one dared to lift up— not even me.

> _I’m sorry I let you get so attached to me. I’m sorry for being selfish. I should have gone before you even met me. I’m sorry for loving you. I’m selfish. I’m sorry... I love you_.

But before I could say anything, he kissed me once more. I feel my whole body tremble, tears streaming out my eyes. He didn’t ask where I’ll be going, and I never told him anything. And maybe, it’s for his own good. It was my last night with the man I loved, my last time with the man who made me happy for a short period of time, and I never regret anything.

We own this night, and it is our night to get lost in each other. I took off all my chains, the cuffs keeping me from taking too much of Jihoon. At least I think I deserve this much, please make me believe I deserve this much.

* * *

I drove him home with a smile in my face, laughing at anything and nothing, whispering on his skin as he smile in thin air. We fooled each other in to thinking we’re happy, that nothing was wrong. We chose to ignore the big elephant in the room, not wanting to waste this moment where we know will be the last of us.

I took off my jacket and made Jihoon wear it. It was the jacket he gave me on my 18th birthday. The only jacket I wore ever since. I already took too much for this night, and for all the other nights, I need to return what’s rightfully his, a part of me that maybe I could give him. Not to remember me by, but to let him know that he’s been a part of my life and he’s done a lot for me.

I was just beyond saving.

“Forget me when you wake up.”

It stung. Those words hurt more than what I know I would do once daylight hits.

>   
_I never saw you in daylight up close, Hoon. And I don’t think I ever will._
> 
> _Please **don’t** forget me._


	2. the darkest night

_Day 1,825_

_"Why?" I'm still asking that question on a wall beside my bed, when I lay there waiting for my tears to come back just as I wait for daylight to come peaking through. Maybe one night you'll magically appear in my window with the same smug look on your face, asking the same old question you always ask. "Wanna go for a drive?" I never really knew how much I'd miss_

_those words, how I miss being a past time for you to get away. What I do know now is why you always carry around those death sticks and a lighter, why your laugh seemed so empty, how you self destruct, and why you like the ocean._

_I still go back there, listening to the songs the waves sing, feeling the cold air without your embrace, I still don't understand the language it speaks, but what I'm sure of is that they sing for me, mocking me, how trapped it must be to be washed away, waking up one day wherever it is that they'd take you, not knowing if they're still alive, breathing, praying never seemed to be an option anymore._

_I'm still asking why._

_Why._

\--

The man in front of me isn't real, he doesn't exist, not anymore. He took him away when he decided to leave, how unfair, how so fucking unfair. Dead eyes and a screaming voice telling himself he's not worth it, apparently he's not worth anything at all, he was left alone with questions, with self hatred, with a poison he still carries, it's still the same old lethal memory that only made him weaker by the second. A poison called Soonyoung-

"Shut up Jihoon." I hear the man in the mirror mumble to himself, so much disdain and hatred in his voice, he sounds just like poison. I can't cry, not anymore, I wasted so many tears after he left, he took me with him, he took my life with him, and he never came back. His empty words left my skin after a week, he faded like his promises on my body, and it's been years, I feel like I'm the only one who remembers him.

No one ever talks about him, and maybe that's for the best, maybe not having to hear anything from anyone is better, at least that's what I always tell myself. "I hate you."

Sad thing about being the only one who remembers how he was and know who he truly was is that I feel like I'm crazy, that maybe he did not exist at all in this world, that maybe I made him up and that is just-

"..fucked up." A man in his early 20s has been rambling on about his ordeal the other night, too busy and chatty to hear what was going on with me.Apparently he went to this drag show and got too drunk to realize that his girlfriend was there and he ended up kissing some guy who bought him drinks. I keep wondering why I even hung out with him in the first place, he's too different, if it weren't for him being the first person to approach me during freshmen orientation, I wouldn't even think twice and just run away from this guy.

"What was?" He stopped, threw his cigarette on the sink of the campus bathroom, he turned to me with disbelief. Shit, here we go again. "Nevermind. I shouldn't have asked." I dismiss him before he speaks but too late.

"You know, I can't believe how much of a fucking bitch you are, you can't even listen to me and my problems. All you do is stare blankly into nothing and block every word coming to you." Seungcheol has always been like this since the day we met, I guess I know where he's coming from, being a closeted queer in a Catholic family doesn't seem to be a good match. "Look Jihoon, I'm on a tight spot here, if my parents find out that I'm gay, I'll get killed. For sure my girlfriend-" I shot him a look, he never treated her like a girlfriend at all, she was more like a bandaid covering an infection waiting to spread. He never even kissed her in their disgusting six month relationship, blaming God's will wouldn't allow it, if God was that unforgiving about a heterosexual kiss, then smite me for losing my virginity to a boy who I had a secret relationship with and eventually left me. "-ex girlfriend, is gonna tell the whole school and my parents would eventually know as well."

I can't imagine what he's going through, my family has never been religious, my mother raised me with Buddhist beliefs, and I guess I'm lucky I never have to face discrimination from her. I didn't need to come out, I never found the whole thing necessary but I would admit that I would be scared of it if I knew that the people who put me in this world would be the one who would throw me away if I chose who I really am. "I'm sorry. I wish I could do anything." I know I can't though, just like with him, I couldn't do anything.

Seungcheol sighed and leaned against the counter, his head down while he clutches on the straps of his bag, I could see his knuckles turn pale from his intense grip. He mutters words I can't fully decipher but I know it's somewhere between the lines of 'what do I do?' and 'I can't keep doing this.' I know him well, maybe too well, he hasn't told any soul about his real identity, and I'm the only one he trusts with that. Maybe because I know how it feels to be gay, and not having anyone know about it, but it's different between him and me. I don't say or dare to do anything because I'm scared of my past, and he's scared of judgement. I find him braver than any other person I've met, after my mom that is.

I look at the clock, it's almost time for my next class, Professor Shin wouldn't exactly be pleased with tardiness, but I can't leave Seungcheol like this. "Do you want me to stay with you?" I asked, expecting he'd say I'm stupid and I should get to class, which is what he said as predicted. "Let's meet at the usual at lunch, yeah?" I wait for his response as I get my things ready to leave the stuffy bathroom. I've been here for almost an hour, self loathing and blaming myself, I guess Seungcheol's been doing the same, we both need to get out of here before one of us breaks the mirror, me with my head or him with his growing frustration; whichever would have come first, and I don't exactly want to explain anything.

"You can have lunch by yourself, I have to do something. If I don't come meet you by the end of the day, you can go home. I'll call about what will happen tonight. Thanks Hoon, even if you space out so much." I love this guy, he never fails to add a backhanded comment about me making sure that it sounds so sweet. A small chuckle left my lips before I lightly smack the side of his head.

"Never stop bitching Cheol." With that, I take my leave.

\--

He's still not here, I've been waiting at the front of the campus for a good fifteen minutes, there's this gut feeling I really shouldn't leave, not until Seungcheol gets here. It's already dark, the night sky is filled with stars, which is odd because it's almost midnight and it's December 21, the darkest night of all. This is the night he left, the night I can still remember.

I light up a cigarette, hoping I'd stop feeling the tightness in my chest. It fills my lungs and out it goes, leaving an empty space that used to house his smile, his laugh, his cries, and his promises. I don't know why I still keep that part of me, it's been five years, why do I still keep a room clean for him. Am I a vacant hotel room for him to fill? Is he a guest in this run down place that I've reserved for him? Half a decade and I'm still hoping he'd come back and maybe stay for good, because I'm willing to let him in whenever he decides to barge down my window again.

It's the darkest night of all, and I hear the silence in my chest. It's too fucking loud, I can't even hear myself. What the fuck am I even saying?

Kwon Soonyoung will never come back.

He left me in that tunnel five years ago, I kept hold of the little boy inside that even then, I didn't think anyone else would have gotten out. Maybe a free version of himself, a happier him, away from his father, away from all the mess, away from me who he left with his last words. Fuck you Soonyoung, how fucking dare you?

It's been half an hour. I should go home. I walked down the road to the bus stop, I didn't realize my feet would take me there that fast. I wonder what happened to Seungcheol, I don't even know if he's okay. He'll come back around, hopefully.

\--

_Day 1829_

I have finished a whole pack of cigarettes. My anxiety is growing significantly faster than before, I feel it mostly on holidays. I hate celebrating, pretending to be happy in front of my mother. I'm not, especially now that I'm thinking about Seungcheol and how he's going. He hasn't called me, I tried reaching to his phone however I was turned to voicemail. I visited his home, but his family turned me away. That's one more thing to worry about.

"Jihoon!" I hear the distant call of my mother from downstairs, "Your friend is here." She continued, I hurriedly put down my phone, placing it on my desk before I fix myself. That fucking bastard, couldn't even give a decency to call how everything went with him after the whole rant in the bathroom, and how is he not even with his family for Christmas? I thought his family's celebrations are always the best compared to me and my single mother's dinner and little gift giving. What a douche really, but what do I expect, it's Seungcheol for crying out loud.

"I'm coming!" My feet lazily go down the stairs as my hands stay nestled in the pockets of my hoodie. As I got down, I crankily start scolding Seungcheol for the way he ghosted me these past few days, "You know, you could have answered my fucking calls! How dare you tell your parents you didn't want to see me? I was worried for crying out loud, you know how I hate being left with no updates whatsoever, especially when the last time we saw each other was you rambling about how your ex would expose you, you're such an ass-"

"Hi Hoonie."

I stare back at the person in front of me.

That's not Seungcheol.


	3. merry fucking christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so bad at updating. lol does anyone even read this still?

**Seungcheol**

Jihoon left to go to his class, the young man was left alone in the bathroom staring at his phone, a number on the screen while he contemplates on pressing the call button. It's time for him to go to his algebra class but who cares about solving math problems right now? He has bigger things to worry about. He closes his eyes and counts to three, mustering up the courage to finally speak to the person whom he dreads to talk to at this very moment, he can't keep doing this, not to himself, not anymore.

"No more hiding." He mutters, tapping on the call button, he trembles as he put the phone to his ears slowly. Every ring reminds him of the times he faced discrimination for being flamboyant, for being 'odd', being happy with wearing whatever the hell he wants. Every ring strikes him with the thought of family dinners graced with homophobic remarks from the man he adored most and the woman whom he found most comfort in, the two people in his life he once thought as the best people he could ever have with him. Ring ring. It's horrifying to see how his past self would stare back at him with disgrace, how he internalized all the hate he's been through, how he would act masculine and "straight", how he'd cry when no one is around because that's all there ever is, no one was around for him to be happy and be who he truly is.

I shouldn't have let Jihoon leave.

"Hello?" A woman's voice answers the phone, he felt his breath come to a full stop, the woman in the other line repeats herself, followed by his name. He breaks down crying, he cups his mouth with his hands, silently consoling himself, he doesn't know what to do next. "Seungcheol honey, is everything okay?"

"Mom." His voice hitched, say it get it over with, "I'm gay." With that he hangs up, he feels a flush of relief but the fear still sits inside controlling his body. He gets inside a stall, he doesn't know how long he's going to cry but right now, he just wants to get all the fluids in his system out, cry until there is nothing left to cry.

He faces the song of his life, and for a moment he thinks it's beautiful, he's free from himself. He's free from the facade he had to put himself on. Now he just has to deal with the immense fear of the inevitable confrontation that he has to go through with his parents.

That day, he came home late. His parents sitting ominously on the couch of their living room, arms crossed, while he stood in front of them with his head down and his mouth shut. The silence slowly snaking its way around his throat, constricting his airways, he hears every single drop of water in the kitchen sink, the quiet whirr of the heater, the fuming breathe of his father. He couldn't bear to look at them, and he was sure that his father couldn't do the same to him either.

There was a loud thud, screaming, and the only thing Seungcheol remembers is how silent his mother was, how she looked the other way while he laid there on their carpet floor.

* * *

**Jihoon**

It's funny how you remember every minute detail about an important person in your life, how they talked, how they stood up, how they dressed on a Saturday night, even the way they breathe, every inhales and exhales, you have memorized everything. I always imagined how he would be when I see him again, he would have the same smug look on his face, he'd still have his messy black hair, he'd still smell like musk and danger, he'd be a bit happier maybe, but this person right now isn't who I thought I'd see like this.

He's different. He wore a black shirt, dress pants, sneakers, and a face I recognize but it doesn't feel right. His breathing is the same, I know it's him, but I'm not sure anymore.

"Hi Hoonie."

I just stood there, hands still in the pockets of my jacket. I can't move. This man in front of me is not who I thought he'd be, he looks so put together, he has his life going for him, he looks happy, he isn't the one I fell in love with.

Five years, it's been five years since he went away, and I'm still a mess. I still keep the room inside me unoccupied for him, but I can't seem to find the keys to open it. Maybe it's in my pocket somewhere? I don't know.

"It's been a while. How have you been?" I don't respond, I just continued to stare at him, I can feel the wrinkles in my forehead forming every the second. Who does he think he is?

I'm not going to lie and say I also have never imagined how this day would come, I would have welcomed him with a tight hug, maybe cry, I would tell him to come in, escort him to my room, and sit down by my bed, I would ask all of my questions for the last five years he's been gone.

Why did you go?

What happened to you?

Where did you go?

Why did you leave me?

Why did you ask me to forget you?

Did you honestly think I'd forget you?

Was it hard for you too?

... Did you love me like I did?

Five years, and the first thing I tell him is to "Fuck off." I closed the door on his face, I ran back to my room, climbed out of the window, and ran off in the middle of winter barefoot. I can't look at him, and it's stupid, how I longed for him for thousands of days, how I kept letters underneath my bed for him, letters asking how he is, telling him how I felt, writing as if he'd ever get a chance to read them, crying as if he'd never come back— which I was sure he wont be coming back. So why now?

Merry fucking Christmas.

What a great night, I'm spending it barefoot in a snow covered abandoned park somewhere in the city. I was right, he looked happier, he doesn't look like a mess I imagined him to be, it must be crazy for me to think that in these five years he wouldn't have changed at all, a bit hypocritical since I have changed drastically after he left so why wouldn't he?

"Jihoon?" I raise my head to see Seungcheol standing right there, I felt my breath hitch as soon as I saw my best friend, he looked just as much of a mess as I am although he wore better winter clothes than me tonight, I take my phone and throw it at him, hitting his foot, he looked confused. It took long enough for me to realize I've been crying my eyes out. "What happened?" He sat next to me, putting an arm around me.

He was always there, this isn't the first time I cried in front of him like boo boo the fool, I felt ashamed this time. I realized just how good of a friend he is, how bad of a friend I am, he listens, I don't. "How could you?" my fists clenched onto the ends of my shirt, they're numb, I'm just not sure if it's from the cold or the intense strength I've put on them. "How could you come back just like that without saying a word?!"

Seungcheol flinches from my outburst. He tried to reach out and put his hand over my shoulder, asking if I was okay. I could tell how careful he was, with his soft voice and shaky hand. Too gentle. Too wary. Too much.

"I'm not fucking okay! Where the fuck have you been?!" I could hear the echoes of my voice surrounding us. Seungcheol looked more confused than he already was.

"I'm sorry, things just happened at home. They didn't allow me to go out nor go on my phone, any contact. I was just on my way to your place, I was thinking of spending Christmas eve there." He smiled weakly, and from the corner of his lips, I could see a faint bruise covered with makeup.

Hell no.


End file.
